Katie: I don’t have the right style for you do I?
Hubbell: No you don’t have the right style.
Katie: I’ll change.
Hubbell: No, don’t change. You’re your own girl, you have your own style.
Katie: But then I won’t have you. Why can’t I have you?
Hubbell: Because you push too hard, every damn minute. There’s no time to ever relax and enjoy living. Every things too serious to be so serious.
Katie: If I push too hard it’s because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you have to. And I’ll keep making them till your everything you should be and will be. You’ll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much.
Hubbell: I know that.
Katie: Well then why?
Hubbell: Do you think if I come back its going to be okay by magic? What’s going to change? What’s going to be different? We’ll both be wrong, we’ll both lose.
Katie: Couldn’t we both win?
-The Way We Were, 1979
http://mfnbrain.tumblr.com/post/2445950372/grinch-2009-beyond <— in 2009 I wrote a post about how estranged my family got a year after my aunt past away. 3 years later…it has gotten worse. This is the second Christmas since my father has past away and I swear I just wanted to close my eyes on the 24th and not open them until the 26th. Getting everyone together was like pulling TEETH.
1. My brother is suffering a break up and would rather sleep his misery away. As soon as he stepped foot into my apartment, there was nothing but complaints out of his mouth about how much he didn’t want to be there.
2. Mom has a new boy toy. I don’t not like him because its awkward to see her with someone other than my father .. but because he’s the true essence of the word: asshole. Anyway..I overheard her telling him she couldnt wait until Christmas was over and she was in his arms (gag me).
3. My uncle didn’t want to drive my grandmother to my place because he didn’t know how to get there. As if there isn’t this nifty thing called a GPS. Or something called balls between your legs that tell you you know exactly where you are going. So I had to go pick up my grandmother. And my uncle.
4. My cousin completely ditched her number and the only way anyone can get in contact with her is if she calls you off her boyfriends phone. And God forbid we call that negro back….he won’t even hand her the phone. So no Robyn for Christmas.
Being with me on Christmas felt like an obligation. Mom had plans with her friend. Martin rather be alone. My uncle wouldn’t even drive out to me and my nana barely spoke to me while at my place. It felt. Empty. After I forced my brother to go with me to see Django and as I am sitting here typing this….I am glad I was able to get (most) of my family together..even if it was against all of their will….I just wish it was something they all felt was joyous. Like how it used to be when my aunt and father were here. I don’t understand why it would have to feel any different because they’re physically not here. I mean…I still feel my father. Why doesn’t everyone else see it that way? What happened to Christmas just because a couple of people are missing?
I’m going through writers withdraw. I haven’t poked at my creative mind, pen & pad mind in weeks now, and now that I have been out of work almost a week and a half, I haven’t been able to do any writing there either. When a writer doesn’t write, it’s like a drain that keeps collecting leaves. What happens? Water gets backed up. Clogged. Starts damage to the establishment. That’s how my body operates. No way out..my thoughts clog my mind. Get real fuzzy…become non-functioning. Or is it malfunctioning? There are so many thoughts in my head, I don’t have a definitive thing to actually write about. But something has got to give. Because not only am I driving myself mentally insane, but I’m driving the one I love to loonyville too. I haven’t been able to deal with myself since September. I fell into a depressed state..no one knew what to say to me. What to do. What was wrong. My boyfriend told me to embrace the change. I was fighting it. I used to be a very logical person…I knew nothing about depression, or tears brought on from absolutely nothing, or sadness brought on from absolutely nothing. The best thing I could do for myself, and what I greatly appreciate him for suggesting…was letting go, giving in and accepting the change. But now………….all I do is feel. I would like to think I’ve overcome the depression. The coping with the feelings allowed me to do so. I no longer feel depressed, so in that sense I am in a happier state of mind. I think. Or did I just sway the depression to another aspect of my life?? Last month I couldn’t stop thinking about my father. This month I can’t stop thinking about making my relationship work. I must have always thought I was doing what was best for my boyfriend whenever I made a decision revolving around him. Even when we were together 8 years ago, I wish I could remember everything…but I wonder if back then I did things through me with good intentions and he never liked it. It has become a huge issue now. I’ll do something thinking one thing, and it backfires because it isn’t the original thing he asked me to do, or I didn’t go about it in the way he asked of me. It is very important to me that we understand each other, so I immediatly go into my explanation of why I chose to do something instead of the ladder. It took a while for me to realize it isn’t important for him to understand, so stop making it a priority for you. Every time you explain yourself he thinks you’re just being more combative, not listening even more and disrespectful. This occurred often. I got to a point where I forced myself to stop feeling. Feeling causes me to over think. When I over think, I do not perform. Stop feeling. Relax. Calm down. Give him the wheel, take the passenger. Look. All is well. You’re doing well. He is happy. He. Is. Happy. He isn’t even noticing you are doing exactly what he asks of you but it doesn’t matter…because this is peaceful to you. No arguments. No care. Just the two of you. You. Are. Happy.
I don’t know what snapped. I don’t know how I got away from that. Why I’m back heavy in my feelings. I feel low. Failure. Worth of 2 lbs of shit. Very insecure, scared but moreso very unhappy. My mind has been in COMPLETE overdrive of making sure my boyfriend is well taken care of, so much so Im missing ALL of the signs. All of what would actually make him happy. So not only am I going crazy, but he’s unhappy as well.
It was brought about after the accident. The accident wasn’t any persons fault. I have to remind myself this everyday. At first…I blamed me. There was a million and 1 things I could have done to avoid it. And then my boyfriend’s voice popped in my head: Happenstance. But prior to believing in happenstance and true true blessings..I automatically kicked started my feelings when I realized his arm was broken. I thought I was doing everything in my power to make him better. All I needed to do was resort back to when we were working. Chill. Relax. Listen. But it was too late. I already messed up. Then messed up again. Again. Again. And my brain just is overpowered…overloaded…thinking too many thoughts at once. He said go to work, but I dont want to leave him, so Im going to stay, but he said go so here I am not listening again. He said the shirt was right, doesnt look right to me, I took it off. Not listening. Your back hurts, played it off like it was cool..he needed to be checked and what happened? back gave out…he told you to be upfront with the doctor, you only told the doctor about your lower back, knee and face.
So many arguments to be avoided if only I chilled out. Listened. And to make matters worse…he no longer believes in me. Which makes me no longer believe in us. I thought there were definites that we had.
He doesn’t believe I support him nor does he believe in me. With my brain on overdrive, I now feel like I have to prove myself..but this gets me no where because my brain is STILL over thinking and again..I get no where by over thinking. So I have to go back to shutting my feelings off. Relax. Calm down. Listen. Listen. Listen. Let him take the wheel, you take passenger. There is a silver lining in every grey cloud. Moments always get worse before they get better and a couple is never always perfect. A strong healthy couple is a couple who has been through the test of time together. This is our test of time. I can’t loose belief in us. He may have lost it in me momentarily. But I can’t loose it because that is my source of determination. So as I sip my cup of chill, I pray to God he’ll lead this relationship on the path it is supposed to take. I believe He is the sole reason why we are together, and he will be the determination of which way our relationship goes. I have faith.
Maybe me writing all of this out is the real way of me relaxing. Nothing I was doing worked. Nothing he said worked. And not because I chose not to listen, but because it was something I had to deal with inside of me first before I could even let his voice guide me. It is extremely depressing trying to be me and live with my thoughts everyday, so I could only imagine how hard it is trying to please me. But I feel 10x better after this. I needed to let it out and visually see it. I needed to write. I live to write. My drain is no longer clogged.